"What are your priorities in relationships?"í
A good question, but they are rather scary to me.
-Can you make this wound more bearable?
My apparent first priority seems to be to hold on
To a dream of what cannot be again.
-But knowing that cannot work,
I take the essence in this NOW
-Of some peaceful moments
When I was close
When I was joined with another human being
-Even though they went away.
So my ACTUAL first priority is that my hand
Can reach out and caress the face of life
Trust life, choose life- and then-
What ís there to be afraid of?
Abandonment means blackness and death
-So embrace the abandonment
Love the blackness
And be pierced by death!
Choose THIS-
And what is there left to be afraid of?
The Alone is always running to the Alone….
I am lying in a tunnel, and I am weeping
For the pressure is too great to withstand
-But after a lot of crying and shedding of illusions
-One is out of that tunnel and under the stars.
And lying in the grass I can see
A number of my exes alternately.
They are flying in a space-ship.
One face merges into another
Each one is distinct and clear
And each has these beautiful eyes
Which are clear and shiny.
And they are filled with the freshness of a dream
And this transparent immediacy is my Second Priority.
I remember Angelika saying often
'I think I have fallen out of the frame…'
-meaning, 'of this society'
. And to be such an outlaw like that-to know
That from the beginning of your life, you had not
Fitted in with the norms- but you had been true-
That there was no choice but to be true-
This total absence of compromise-
Is Priority Number Three
To be able to love oneself, simply for staying oneself
Is a very big thing
A very brave thing.
I am hurtling over the Halfway mark
And am now growing afraid
That the Nothingness might claim me forever.
Someone said that all relationships are dysfunctional by definition and that
You have to become a Eunuch for God!
That terrifies me.
Having a child is the fruit of two peopleís imprint on each other.
(Is it going to happen- to me or to my brother?
Or is the family name going to fade away?????????)
Itís the symbol of staying together.
Are you able to bear yourself, all of yourself
Are you able to bear that black and monstrous void?
Giving is the Number Four Priority.
Because in giving, one is creating, one is a channel, connecting-
Not just revolving in solitude.
One is letting others be the Infinite Expression!!
Then there comes the Fifth Priority, which is admitting
-that there is no control, over the inside or the outside!!
In landscapes of memory
As I see the faces of those beautiful yet unattainable women.
An angel is putting is hand on my shoulder and saying
Youíd better be strong and let go. Isnít it a priority (Number Six)
To tell the truth to yourself in all its contradictions?
There are so many preconceptions
To let fall by the wayside
Youíve loved all these people- and they all went away.
But their Essence stays with the Innermost.
Isn't life like that?
They will stay on their perfect journey
While you have no choice
-But to take your next step!